Oregon Governor Kate Brown has issued an executive order offering a $10,000 cash bonus to any resident who identifies any Proud Boy who properly uses the subjunctive.
Less than 30 minutes after Brown’s announcement, Lillian Pelouze, a retired English teacher in Troutdale, alerted media that her neighbor, known as “Proud Boy Pete,” seemed to “speak clearly and grammatically.”
Local media quickly identified the man as Pete Turner, who was arrested at the Capitol in Washington, DC, on January 6, and charged with one count of obstructing an official proceeding of Congress, a felony. Turner was released on bail pending trial, which is scheduled to begin on October 15.
This afternoon, some 40 reporters and onlookers gathered outside Pelouze’s home, where she chattered amiably.
“He lives there,” she said, pointing to a paint-chipped bungalow next door ringed by “Stop the Steal” and “Mike Lindell Is My President” yard signs.
“His old horse is tied up out back,” Pelouze continued. “It’s down with worms because, well, you didn’t hear it from me, but people say he took the medicine himself.”
“Are you in trouble for causing an uproar?” a reporter asked.
Pelouze shook her head. “Who cares? The point is, I’ve never heard him violate the subjunctive, and I can sure use the $10,000!”
Turner, 35, heavyset, with a long beard and “Q” necklace, walked out of his house toward the gaggle of correspondents.
“You are fake news!” he shouted.
Pelouze did a jig. “Subject, verb, object!”
“Q is real,” Turner insisted. “Liberals have kidnapped children since the 1950s. There were patriots on TV then trying to warn us, but the deep state had them silenced.”
“No one on TV was talking about QAnon in the 1950s,” a reporter said.
Turner exploded. “If that was true –
The crowd erupted. Pelouze buried her head.
“ – how do you explain Robert Q. Lewis?”
Turner’s lawyer arrived and hustled his client into the bungalow as the news crews packed up.
This evening, Fox’s Tucker Carlson defended Turner, claiming the subjunctive was a “worthless construct that had infiltrated English by Indo-European elements.”
And told of the Proud Boy’s humiliation, former president Donald Trump threw Turner under the bus.
“I like insurrectionists who weren’t captured,” Trump said.
As of this moment, Governor Brown’s $10,000 bonus remains unclaimed.